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Why? Why does it have to be like this?`Just why?


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There are days, when u do most things like u usually do. Entrapped in some kind of routine, maybe even the one u chose, but a routine none the less. No matter how "high" ur standards are, it is still "just" a routine.

U wake up.

U do x, y and z.

U take ur time.

U go and do what u always do.

But something seems different today - doesn't it?

The first breath of the cold morning air - didn't it make u want to curl up in a cozy place ?

The chill of the cold morning bath - didn't it seem harsher then yesterday ?

The first step out - didn't it seem harder then before ?

The goal for today - didn't it seem to be more foggy ?

But even despite those things, u know what u have to do. U remember those times, when u didn't know. U remember how it was - to stumble. To let urself get carried away by the moment. U remember the seamless endless drifting. The inner "slumber". The times, that u did not believe. The times, when u were in ur head, alone. The time after ......

-No, I made my decision. That time was over. There was no going back anyway .... not anymore. 

-Even those thoughts are just feeding into the cycle again. Let's go. Let's do this.

My armor is already on, so I start shouldering my bow, attach my swords at my belt and make sure, that I have my arrows and my materials on me, ready to be used. There is no more time for this crap. A new day has come and with it, I shall greet the new chances, that will come my way. Let me feel the first touch of sunlight on my face. Let me feel the warmth of live again. The feeling of pure aliveness. The feeling that is sucking u in, because the moment is just too powerful. The feeling, when everything slows down and nearly everything else is unimportant. The feeling of being drawn in by the magic of whatever this is. Is it the moment? Is it the action? Is it the risk? Is it the chance of failure? Or do the little thoughts, that still speak in my mind, taint my awareness ? Is there something I oversee? Is there something I should remember? Is there something I have forgotten ?

- No. I already climbed those mountains. I claimed the peak and I saw the fall. This time I have a safety net. It won't happen again.

-Give me a break!

As I yell out, into the chilly morning atmosphere, I let go of all the tension and anxiety. It might not be the smartest thing to do. But I rather face the enemies in this world, then the voices within. I have already fought that battle and I thought I was victorious. I thought I was free . Are they coming to haunt me again? The memories ....


This is stupid.

Why is this happening now?

Everything is settling. Everything has fallen into place. I know where to go to. I know what to do. I know how to handle it.

I will be fine. I will survive and thrive. I know, what I have to do. I have remembered those times. I have faced the shadows. I have faced the ultimate challenge. There will be nothing standing in my way. There will be nothing that will surprise me. But why does the cold creep into my body, even tho I'm moving. Are there enemies close by? Should I watch out for "it" ? ? ? Can I stop it ? Can I prevent it? Can I even defend against this?

As I halter in my steps an imagine fades into my mind. A very old memory. Not forgotten, but buried. Buried, almost like a treasure. Something u would like to dip in, every now and then. Something that will delight u, but also threatens to consume u.

"Be aware, those who falter in their steps, will see, what they don't want to see. An unspoken horror,dwelling, waiting. Be aware, for it is close ..... so close " ( a line in an important book)

I remember that line, it always gave me something to think over. Back when I read the book, I wasn't sure what it meant, but I believe I understand now. I believe I have seen it.

But still.... I find myself remembering. Details arise. The picture becomes clearer , wider.

People fade into view - my sight seems to become unimportant, as I focus more on the memory.

Old friends, companions. Of a time, when we faced dangers together. When we prepared for threats and were ready to slay everything in our paths. Of a time when enemies meant nothing, because we had each other. We had the strength. We had the conviction - or at least it seemed that way, at that time. I remember the feelings. The feeling of preparing, the anticipation and the moment when it was finally time. Time to work together and slay the monsters. Time to fight the abominations, that threatened our world and our existence. They crumbled, because they didn't really have what we had.We were so much stronger, we worked together. I miss the times. When we know what to do, when we fought together, when we found treasure after treasure and became stronger after every fight.When we used the magic of the world to enchant everything we had. When we made the animals of the world be useful to us. And everything we created was used in the next fight. The feeling of being ready, the feeling of excitement, when we started the big fights. The most important ones - where am I ? The feeling, when u found something few would find. It was glorious and it felt so easy - what am I doing ? The celebration after the battles where the best, so carefree, so uncaring, about what was going elsewhere. The fights against other groups were always very different, but they brought us closer and even those who helped us, they became closer to us. - No, I shouldn't ! Sometimes it was really hard, to fight against somebody that seemed so much stronger, like u had no chance, but we still tried. Again and again. We used everything we could, to create an even battlefield. Sometimes, it was just not meant to be even . - Why ? It seemed unfair, sometimes. Who wanted it to be like this? Who wanted it to be this unequal? This unfair. Like u could only have won, if u had more at the beginning, like it was not enough, how u have done till now, what u had become. Like there was no meaning to all of ur progress. Like everything was just meant to strike u down - No, it wasn't ! Like they were just looking for easy prey and they made their prey themselves - No, we weren't. So eventually, it became, what it had to become. Tedious, draining, repetitive - I changed ! One by one, it took us. One by one they couldn't do it any longer - I became stronger ! One by one, they left and looked for something new - I was steadfast ! Everyone looking for excitement again, for the feelings they once had. They cut the bond off, leaving the good times behind. -They shouldn't have ! Now i'm here ..... alone. Fighting another fight. But still .... still.. I still remember. And I still miss them. -That time was so long ago ! And now ... !?

Now, I just ask myself....

Why ?

What were the real reasons ?


Why am I still feeling so angry ?


Why did they not try another way`?


Where we set up? Set up to fail? Set up to feed the stronger ones?


Couldn't we have stayed closer together?


Why am I here now?


Why did it have to come to this?


Alone again?


Why does it have to be like this ?

why ......

just why....

Tell me!




[ OOC PS : Wrote this with an idea, a picture in mind and Emil Bulls music drumming into my ears, especially the new album "Kill ur demons" [ no advertising :P ] . And a bit of a homage to a few other things ;) ]







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